I am still surprised by my own awkwardness. But is that the right word?
Maybe I am just tired of having to explain: my natural state is to make others uncomfortable just because of who I am.
I am blunt because I don’t know any other way.
I am honest because it is hard to lie (‘twas not always the case - at one point in my life it was all I could do to figure a way through life to fit in or fit out)
I think in pictures and close my eyes to search the white-board-and-red-string wall, billboard, skyscraper of information (located on the infinite curve - the inside of my skull projected, a pinhole camera refraction) I know just by recognizing the shape a word makes (you know this too: em-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-crooked-letter-crooked-letter-eye-humpback-humpback-eye - see it?) one I took yesterday or forty years ago.
Who am I? Oh. Well. I am your standard not diagnosed until ancient autistic woman who only recently came out as autistic to my 80-something mom who said (delightfully) that explains a lot.
It seems incongruous to people who have known me forever:
you don’t seem to be like that.
I get it. It seems impossible given my history. As a journalist I have flown around the world covering stories, events, people that requires what appears to others as courage.
An example: I once flew to Uganda because a federally funded Christian group based in Maryland wouldn’t return my phone calls. Uganda because they infiltrated the system, took million and millions in taxpayer dollars to fight HIV/AIDS yet preached “pray the gay away” and refused to hand out condoms (read here for more).
So, I flew to Uganda where their “clinic” proselytized (against federal law w/federal funds) and preached as much or more than tested men, women and children for HIV.
Low and behold they just happened to be in Uganda. And yes, after I showed up at several Health Ministries, and recorded an interview with one of the countries most infamous governmental leaders of the (so-called) Ministry of Ethics - sure - they consented to a sit down interview.
See? Simple. If at first someone doesn’t pick up the phone then fly across the globe to get the answers from people on the US taxpayer’s payroll.
This approach seems foolhardy to some. Dangerous maybe, or just plain stupid. But understand: questions are my life. Questions must be answered. Just because I know no other way to be.
I have a trail of ofendees because of this - in my personal and professional life. To those close to me (I have learned) my questioning can come off as distrust, mockery, or disingenuous. Nay.
Questions are my North Star. Or - in my head questions are dangly vines in the jungle (lush, green and mercifully it is the dry season) and I am grasping one only to swing toward (and latch onto) the next - merrily merrily merrily I go. It doesn’t honestly occur to me this could be unreasonable by another person’s yardstick.
But when my husband asks me: do you want to go for a walk?
I freeze.
Walk? Wait, what kind of walk the kind that is the one where we end up at Trader Joes for an hour? Do we go north on Riverside or cut over to Central Park? North or south? The kind of walk that will require hiking boots or just my runners? How long are we going? Where is my water bottle? I wasn’t planning on this? Walk? Wait. Why? What?
Open ended questions create panic and this comes off as difficult, bitchy, fickle. In reality it overwhelms me sometimes (if it has been a particularly over-stimulating week1) to the point of shutdown. At worst? To the point of meltdown.
Luckily we have finagled a way to communicate on such simple issues. Instead of asking me if I would like to go for a walk my husband will now ask: do you want to walk up north through Riverside Park and cut over to Whole Foods and make our way back home?
Whew. Easy. The only answer I have to sort out is a yes or a no.
A note about social media:
It is a crappy medium certainly
For me (as a person and journalist) it has been helpful to connect with people, stories, sources, etc.
It is ableist AF
An example of this and why it matters. This is a person I used to follow on social media. A reporter in Iowa who had recently moved to IPR. I had a question - one that to me was legit about a fact check he posted in regard to a person not even mentioned in the IPR story. It seemed odd to me.
Since I had just had a protracted conversation with him about a story that IPR picked up - which I reported and wrote and how there could be a radio bit with it - and because the outlet I wrote for (Iowa Watch) was considering a partnership or reciprocal journalistic relationship with his group I threw out a question. Instead of answering me directly (via responding to my Tweet, DM’ing me or, hell giving me a call this person has my phone number) went put me on blast. This was at first very odd to me, confusing:
When I want to make a horses ass out of someone I typically RT whatever they threw out there with a snotty “sure Jan” or “this is a lie” one liner.
I do not however do it to people who ask genuine questions.
I responded by trying to talk him off whatever ledge my query placed him on. Asking hey guy what gives with the RT of my question and snotty answer?
At this point I was still completely confused. I wasn’t even angry, just borderline cheesed off. I was literally confused? Especially since asking questions has never embarrassed me. In fact precious little does when my motive is genuine. I tried to communicate that to this fellow thusly - including that I am autistic.
Because
A. I thought this guy was reasonable, I had communicated with him before on the phone and he is a journalist from my home state and
B. I am not ashamed of being autistic and sometimes just leveling with people breeds understanding or at least spreads awareness that we are everywhere:
His response:
Did I take him the wrong way? No. The intent was clear even after I explained dude: my question was sincere, I am on the spectrum FYI and how bout you cut me a bit of slack on this one?
I went on to suggest that Iowa Public Radio employ a social media person who could gate-keep employees tweets directed at private citizens — I am not a public figure (oh, I told him this, too) maybe put together a best practices guide including what ableism is, how to avoid it on social media, and knowing when to (as Kenny Rogers advised) fold them.
I unfollowed him and moved on.
Why do I point this out? And why do I single him out? Yes, I admit in part it is because one shouldn’t pick a fight with a woman who buys ink by the barrel. But mostly because when a person tells you: Hey, guy: I AM AUTISTIC maybe it is time for that person, as an employee of a public radio station, should just take it down a notch.
But - I came to a different conclusion after his hey lady I dunno what to tell you response: mansplaining mansplainer mansplains.
This is another weird quirk about being autistic, sometimes I am slow on the uptake. He wasn’t being genuine interacting with me. It took about an hour (looking at timecodes from the interaction) for me to realize that. I am not as great a reader of people as I have always thought.
Autism for me is a goddamn adventure and I am constantly realizing different things about my perception, my self, and how NTs are.
I have found this website to be helpful for people who want to learn more about what it is like to be batshit crazy. No!
What it is like for some of We the Autistics: https://embrace-autism.com/how-would-you-best-describe-a-sensory-overload/
Thank you so much for writing this. I can totally relate and it feels good to connect with your experiences. When people feel I've rubbed them the wrong way, they never consider aspergers. "Asshole," is typically their first go-to. Also, thank you so much for the work you do, past, present and future.